My journey to salvation has been one permeated with tears and struggle and pride and ultimately, by the grace of God, surrender. I grew up in the church learning about God and serving God. I first prayed to receive Christ at the age of five. For most of my life I was very certain of my salvation. It was not until I was introduced to the doctrines of grace, particularly the doctrine of election, that I really began to doubt it. At this point, the journey really began. I wrestled with this idea of election very hard and very long. I had been taught that God was sovereign, but it is one thing to believe it and quite another to believe it in regard to salvation. A war broke out within me and it sent me into great distress. After much internal stuggle, I finally asked God to reveal the truth of the matter to me. I decided that I wanted to believe what was true- not what I wished to be true. God began to impress upon me the veracity of this doctrine. Now, I know that that this doctrine is not salvific, but this is just where it began for me. Once I believed it, it changed everything. The god I had served was not this God. I began to question whether God was just. Then, since I believed election be true, and I determined God was just, it led me to ask , "Is He really good?". After much wrestling with many attributes of God and continuing to doubt my faith I began to seek counsel. I suppose what I wanted to hear was, "No, you are not saved", but no one can make that determination for you. It is a matter that can be settled only between you and God. No matter how badly I wanted to just believe I was saved, I could not find peace or deep assurance of my salvation.
Growing up in the church is a marvelous thing! I am thankful and blessed to have this background. It can however lead to knowing all the answers but never having a relationship with Christ. Our hearts are so deceitful and it is especially easy to be deceived by a heart that has been primed for years with all of the right answers. Over time, though, God revealed to me that my relationship with him was non-existent. I was very hostile to Him. It's like this: I really like the idea of coffee. It's very romanticized in my mind. Sitting down with a book and a cup of coffee in a comfy chair sounds like the perfect way to spend an evening. The only problem is- I do not like coffee. It was the same with God. I was comfortable playing the part of a Christian. All of my friends were Christians, I knew the lingo, I only listened to Christian music. I enjoyed discussing God on an intellectual level, but I did not love God. In fact, many times I was very hostile to God. Just as with coffee, I was in love with the idea, not the reality. I was in love with the idea of being in love with God. In my mind I just kept thinking that I could somehow "learn" my way to Heaven. If I knew enough about Christ that was the same as knowing Him, right? Wrong. I was unknowingly trying to replace submission to Christ with knowledge of Christ. Though you cannot fully know God apart from doctrine, it can never replace Him. I remember thinking "If only I could pray sincerely enough" then I would be saved.
At that point, God showed me that I was not trusting in Christ for salvation. I was trusting in myself. I was trusting in the prayer, which is an action or work from my end, to save me. I cannot count how many times I prayed for God to save me and I was as sincere as I could possibly be, but salvation is not dependent on sincerity. It is dependent upon the regenerating work of the Holy Spirit. I cannot lie to you, I resisted being humbled by God and it took a long time to accept the fact that I had been trusting in myself and not Him. Once He began to show me, I still would not admit it to myself- my pride would not allow it. After fighting it and fighting it I could no longer deny that I was lost. Then I wondered, "What will people think?". There came a point when none of that mattered anymore. I just wanted it settled. So what then? I began crying out to God to save me and the more I cried out the more distressed I became. Each night as I lay in bed it felt so urgent within my soul as though Hell were opening up to swallow me right then. Unlike many people, I cannot tell you the exact moment when my conversion took place. All I can tell you is that I spent my nights unable to sleep, imploring God to have mercy on me and save me, awakening exhausted and doing it all again the following night. On about the third night in the midst of my crying out I felt God give me a measure of peace. I fell asleep only to be awakened a few hours later. He began impressing upon my heart that I am His, that I belong to Him. There is much assurance in a salvation which is not dependent on me. When God is in control, I know I can trust in that. I have a peace I have not known before. He transformed my heart slowly over the course of about five years. He chose me when I would never have chosen Him. Christ imputed His righteousness to me and saved me from the wrath of God. I am so thankful that He humbled me to realize my lost state and follow Him. For this, I am eternally grateful.
My spiritual birthday: November 22, 2010
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