My journey to salvation has been one permeated with tears and struggle and pride and ultimately, by the grace of God, surrender. I grew up in the church learning about God and serving God. I first prayed to receive Christ at the age of five. For most of my life I was very certain of my salvation. It was not until I was introduced to the doctrines of grace, particularly the doctrine of election, that I really began to doubt it. At this point, the journey really began. I wrestled with this idea of election very hard and very long. I had been taught that God was sovereign, but it is one thing to believe it and quite another to believe it in regard to salvation. A war broke out within me and it sent me into great distress. After much internal stuggle, I finally asked God to reveal the truth of the matter to me. I decided that I wanted to believe what was true- not what I wished to be true. God began to impress upon me the veracity of this doctrine. Now, I know that that this doctrine is not salvific, but this is just where it began for me. Once I believed it, it changed everything. The god I had served was not this God. I began to question whether God was just. Then, since I believed election be true, and I determined God was just, it led me to ask , "Is He really good?". After much wrestling with many attributes of God and continuing to doubt my faith I began to seek counsel. I suppose what I wanted to hear was, "No, you are not saved", but no one can make that determination for you. It is a matter that can be settled only between you and God. No matter how badly I wanted to just believe I was saved, I could not find peace or deep assurance of my salvation.
Growing up in the church is a marvelous thing! I am thankful and blessed to have this background. It can however lead to knowing all the answers but never having a relationship with Christ. Our hearts are so deceitful and it is especially easy to be deceived by a heart that has been primed for years with all of the right answers. Over time, though, God revealed to me that my relationship with him was non-existent. I was very hostile to Him. It's like this: I really like the idea of coffee. It's very romanticized in my mind. Sitting down with a book and a cup of coffee in a comfy chair sounds like the perfect way to spend an evening. The only problem is- I do not like coffee. It was the same with God. I was comfortable playing the part of a Christian. All of my friends were Christians, I knew the lingo, I only listened to Christian music. I enjoyed discussing God on an intellectual level, but I did not love God. In fact, many times I was very hostile to God. Just as with coffee, I was in love with the idea, not the reality. I was in love with the idea of being in love with God. In my mind I just kept thinking that I could somehow "learn" my way to Heaven. If I knew enough about Christ that was the same as knowing Him, right? Wrong. I was unknowingly trying to replace submission to Christ with knowledge of Christ. Though you cannot fully know God apart from doctrine, it can never replace Him. I remember thinking "If only I could pray sincerely enough" then I would be saved.
At that point, God showed me that I was not trusting in Christ for salvation. I was trusting in myself. I was trusting in the prayer, which is an action or work from my end, to save me. I cannot count how many times I prayed for God to save me and I was as sincere as I could possibly be, but salvation is not dependent on sincerity. It is dependent upon the regenerating work of the Holy Spirit. I cannot lie to you, I resisted being humbled by God and it took a long time to accept the fact that I had been trusting in myself and not Him. Once He began to show me, I still would not admit it to myself- my pride would not allow it. After fighting it and fighting it I could no longer deny that I was lost. Then I wondered, "What will people think?". There came a point when none of that mattered anymore. I just wanted it settled. So what then? I began crying out to God to save me and the more I cried out the more distressed I became. Each night as I lay in bed it felt so urgent within my soul as though Hell were opening up to swallow me right then. Unlike many people, I cannot tell you the exact moment when my conversion took place. All I can tell you is that I spent my nights unable to sleep, imploring God to have mercy on me and save me, awakening exhausted and doing it all again the following night. On about the third night in the midst of my crying out I felt God give me a measure of peace. I fell asleep only to be awakened a few hours later. He began impressing upon my heart that I am His, that I belong to Him. There is much assurance in a salvation which is not dependent on me. When God is in control, I know I can trust in that. I have a peace I have not known before. He transformed my heart slowly over the course of about five years. He chose me when I would never have chosen Him. Christ imputed His righteousness to me and saved me from the wrath of God. I am so thankful that He humbled me to realize my lost state and follow Him. For this, I am eternally grateful.
My spiritual birthday: November 22, 2010
Showing posts with label particular redemption. Show all posts
Showing posts with label particular redemption. Show all posts
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Monday, July 18, 2011
Psalm 69 and the Raging Waters
Back in December my friend Justin made the statement that when he prays he often prays "Thank you God for pulling me out of the waters". It is his way of reflecting on the futility of his efforts to save himself prior to his conversion. Any attempt he made to do good or try to "do better" was pointless. And not only was it pointless, it was leading him to death. It felt, essentially, like he was drowning.
I've thought on this concept often in regards to my own condition before salvation. Since marriage is a picture of salvation, my anniversary led me to ponder Psalm 69 and my own experience of being pulled fom the waters by the Savior. Eric and I went away to Blue Ridge for the weekend to celebrate and I spent most of Thursday on the drive up and in the evening after dinner contemplating the elaborate rescue mission Jesus had undertaken on my behalf. I must have read this particular passage in Psalms about fifteen times that day. There was an urgency in me to remember. And though David did not write this passage with spiritual salvation in mind, I don't think, it echoes my condition and lamentation as an unregenerate soul. I'm not encouraging you to take Scripture out of context or anything like that, but sometimes God can speak through a passage to something very personal in your life. Now, you would not want to draw any doctrinal conclusions about salvation from this passage since that is not its context, but God can still speak to savlation through it.
The following is an excerpt of the passage from Psalm 69:
"Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me. I am weary from crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God...But as for me, my prayer is to You, O LORD. At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of Your steadfast love answer me in Your saving faithfulness. Deliver me from sinking in the mire; let me be delivered from my enemies and from the deep waters. Let not the flood sweep over me, or the deep swallow me up, or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me, O LORD, for Your steadfast love is good; according to Your abundant mercy, turn to me. Hide not Your face from Your servant; for I am in distress; make haste to answer me. Draw near to my soul, redeem me; ransom me because of my enemies!... But I am afflicted and in pain; let Your salvation, O God, set me on high!... I will praise the name of God with a song; I will magnify Him with thanksgiving...For the LORD hears the needy and does not despise His own people who are prisoners. Let heaven and earth praise Him, the seas and everything that moves in them."
So I spent Thursday reflecting on this passage and then Friday we got up and headed out to go rafting on the Ocoee River. We had scheduled to raft the middle section. The first few rapids were no big deal. Well, maybe they were, but they did not seem to be. Our raft floated over even daunting rapids with great ease. And then we came to a rapid named "Double Suck". It is composed of two hydraulic currents. Before you read further here read this blog to get a better understanding of the nature and intensity of a hydraulic current. So wanting to have a little fun, our raft guide decided we would surf Double Suck with our raft. We swung around and went nose first into the current. It would pull the front of the boat down, where Eric and I were sitting, and flood us with water and then pop us back up. On about the fourth time when it popped us back up it bounced me out and immediately shot our raft about 30 feet away. The distance between me and the raft was getting larger with every second. Let me preface this by saying that I am a very strong swimmer. Drowning has never really occurred to me. But you should never underestimate the power of water or overestimate your own strength to fight it, as I did. As I entered the water, I saw the raft jolt away. I did not realize the danger I was in. I just thought I would swim until they came back to get me. My biggest concern was getting dragged across the rocks. But upon entering the water I quickly became aware of the severity of the situation. Without a full breath to begin with I realized this was going to be life or death. My first instinct was to begin to swim to the surface. There was no way that was going to happen. I could not physically surface. I could not. The feeling was akin to having one man sitting on your shoulders and another grabbing and pulling on your ankles as you are trying to stay above water; it just is not possible. I suspected, though I was wrong, that those in the rafts above me did not know I was drowning. I cannot tell you how alone I felt. Since I did not realize they were conducting rescue efforts I thought I was going to have to save myself or die.
Once I determined that I was not going to be able to surface, I tried to swim sideways out of the current. I was unable to break free. Still holding my paddle, I raised it into the air hoping someone would grab hold of it and pull me out. No one did. I tried to use the paddle to push off the bottom. There was no bottom. I released the paddle deciding at this point it was more of a hindrance than an asset. Shortly after this I surfaced for less than a second. I wish I could say I took a breath, but instead I tried to scream "Help". The word did not come out and I had less air than I did before I surfaced. I still was not panicking. I thought, "Okay, I'm going to die. Lord, you can take me. But like this? Really??" I was not scared to die, but I was very scared of the process. I did not think of Eric or my boys. Besides the thought that I was going to die I was just thinking of practical things I could do to stay alive. To put this in perspective, my own river guide had gotten stuck in this current before and quit rafting for 3 years as a result, and he was not under nearly as long as I was. Most of the time it will take a person down for a couple of cycles and then spit them out. It was not spitting me out and I did a lot more than two cycles.
Little did I know, above me two rafts had sailed right over me and tried to grab me with no success. My own raft had been trying to make it back to me by paddling against the current. They did not make it back until after I was out of the water. I started thinking, "Okay, I am about to pass out and that's it. This is the end." Just about that time I felt a rope brush my arm. It is a sheer act of God that I felt it. Remember, this current was violently jerking me around. And I knew it was a rope just from the feel of it across my arm, not even with my hand. Instantly the safety talk came back to me and I remebered to grab it over my shoulder and float on my back, which I did. I did not feel relief until I surfaced. The rope itself offered hope, but not relief for I thought that this, too, might be another failed attempt at getting out. A man from another rafting company pulled me into the boat and asked it I was ok. I think I said yes. I wanted to cry from fear and relief so badly, but there were so many rafts and kayaks gathered around and everyone was just looking at me...so I just smiled.
They began passing me from raft to raft to get me back to my own. There was so much adrenaline still coursing through me that I could not stand up. I kept falling and slipping as I made my way from raft to raft. Even now writing this, my fingers are tingling from adrenaline. In one of the rafts I was passed into, a guide apologized to me and told me he tried to grab me out as their raft went over me but he was unable. I remember saying, "My life is in God's hands and it can neither be taken nor saved without His permission. You owe me no apology." He gave me a strange look that I was too incoherent to decipher. When I made it back into my own raft and saw Eric the urge to cry was very intense, but I did not. My guide asked if I was ok and I said, "That was awesome!" And since I had survived it, it was pretty awesome. Eric told me he just knew I was going to die. I think he was traumatized just as much as I was.
In all of this Psalm 69 never entered my mind. But when we got back to the cabin that afternoon and I opened my Bible I began reading it again. Now THAT brought me to tears. The God that orchestrated this rescue for me has rescued me in a much greater way. My soul is far more important than my life. As I reflected back on my near drowning experience I could not help but see the similarities between it and the salvation of my soul. After being pulled out of the water on Ocoee people were telling me things like this all afternoon "You are our hero today" and "You have earned my respect". I knew what they were intending to say, but it still seemed odd. I'm your hero because I...didn't die? I could not save myself. Remember? Only when the guide threw me the rope was there any hope. Am I your hero because I grabbed a rope? Even though I grabbed it, the salvation was not in grabbing it but in being pulled in. For if he had not reeled me in, I would have simply drowned with a rope in my hand. I remember after I was saved someone told me "Good job!" and it struck me as being a very odd thing to say. Yes, there is responsibility on our part to "grab the rope", but that does not save us. If God never reeled us in, we would just die with a rope of good deeds and religiosity in our hand.
It also brought to mind particular redemption. If Christ died for all it is like He threw a rope into a pool of dead, not just drowning (see Ephesians 2:5 & Colossians 2:13), people and hoped we would grab on and save ourselves. That is absurd. But even grabbing the rope won't save you because you must be pulled in. What Christ actually did is more equivalent to Him coming to you individually as you are floating dead face down in the river and grabbing you by the life jacket into the boat. He then breathes life into you. THAT is the rescue He accomplished for us on the cross. It is not vague, it is clear and defined in intent and power. It is not generic, but specific to individuals. How would I have survived if the river guide had just thrown a rope in my general vicinity and left the rest up to me? Would I have survived if left to pull myself back to the boat? What if he had rescue in mind, but not for me in particular?
I am very thankful to be alive, but most of all for my soul to be secured in Christ. Thank You, Lord, for pulling me out of the waters!
"I was sinking deep in sin, far from the peaceful shore.
Very deeply stained within sinking to rise no more.
But the Master of the sea heard my despairing cry,
From the waters lifted me, now safe am I.
Love lifted me! Love lifted me! When nothing else could help love lifted me!"
I've thought on this concept often in regards to my own condition before salvation. Since marriage is a picture of salvation, my anniversary led me to ponder Psalm 69 and my own experience of being pulled fom the waters by the Savior. Eric and I went away to Blue Ridge for the weekend to celebrate and I spent most of Thursday on the drive up and in the evening after dinner contemplating the elaborate rescue mission Jesus had undertaken on my behalf. I must have read this particular passage in Psalms about fifteen times that day. There was an urgency in me to remember. And though David did not write this passage with spiritual salvation in mind, I don't think, it echoes my condition and lamentation as an unregenerate soul. I'm not encouraging you to take Scripture out of context or anything like that, but sometimes God can speak through a passage to something very personal in your life. Now, you would not want to draw any doctrinal conclusions about salvation from this passage since that is not its context, but God can still speak to savlation through it.
The following is an excerpt of the passage from Psalm 69:
"Save me, O God! For the waters have come up to my neck. I sink in deep mire, where there is no foothold; I have come into deep waters, and the flood sweeps over me. I am weary from crying out; my throat is parched. My eyes grow dim with waiting for my God...But as for me, my prayer is to You, O LORD. At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of Your steadfast love answer me in Your saving faithfulness. Deliver me from sinking in the mire; let me be delivered from my enemies and from the deep waters. Let not the flood sweep over me, or the deep swallow me up, or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me, O LORD, for Your steadfast love is good; according to Your abundant mercy, turn to me. Hide not Your face from Your servant; for I am in distress; make haste to answer me. Draw near to my soul, redeem me; ransom me because of my enemies!... But I am afflicted and in pain; let Your salvation, O God, set me on high!... I will praise the name of God with a song; I will magnify Him with thanksgiving...For the LORD hears the needy and does not despise His own people who are prisoners. Let heaven and earth praise Him, the seas and everything that moves in them."
So I spent Thursday reflecting on this passage and then Friday we got up and headed out to go rafting on the Ocoee River. We had scheduled to raft the middle section. The first few rapids were no big deal. Well, maybe they were, but they did not seem to be. Our raft floated over even daunting rapids with great ease. And then we came to a rapid named "Double Suck". It is composed of two hydraulic currents. Before you read further here read this blog to get a better understanding of the nature and intensity of a hydraulic current. So wanting to have a little fun, our raft guide decided we would surf Double Suck with our raft. We swung around and went nose first into the current. It would pull the front of the boat down, where Eric and I were sitting, and flood us with water and then pop us back up. On about the fourth time when it popped us back up it bounced me out and immediately shot our raft about 30 feet away. The distance between me and the raft was getting larger with every second. Let me preface this by saying that I am a very strong swimmer. Drowning has never really occurred to me. But you should never underestimate the power of water or overestimate your own strength to fight it, as I did. As I entered the water, I saw the raft jolt away. I did not realize the danger I was in. I just thought I would swim until they came back to get me. My biggest concern was getting dragged across the rocks. But upon entering the water I quickly became aware of the severity of the situation. Without a full breath to begin with I realized this was going to be life or death. My first instinct was to begin to swim to the surface. There was no way that was going to happen. I could not physically surface. I could not. The feeling was akin to having one man sitting on your shoulders and another grabbing and pulling on your ankles as you are trying to stay above water; it just is not possible. I suspected, though I was wrong, that those in the rafts above me did not know I was drowning. I cannot tell you how alone I felt. Since I did not realize they were conducting rescue efforts I thought I was going to have to save myself or die.
Once I determined that I was not going to be able to surface, I tried to swim sideways out of the current. I was unable to break free. Still holding my paddle, I raised it into the air hoping someone would grab hold of it and pull me out. No one did. I tried to use the paddle to push off the bottom. There was no bottom. I released the paddle deciding at this point it was more of a hindrance than an asset. Shortly after this I surfaced for less than a second. I wish I could say I took a breath, but instead I tried to scream "Help". The word did not come out and I had less air than I did before I surfaced. I still was not panicking. I thought, "Okay, I'm going to die. Lord, you can take me. But like this? Really??" I was not scared to die, but I was very scared of the process. I did not think of Eric or my boys. Besides the thought that I was going to die I was just thinking of practical things I could do to stay alive. To put this in perspective, my own river guide had gotten stuck in this current before and quit rafting for 3 years as a result, and he was not under nearly as long as I was. Most of the time it will take a person down for a couple of cycles and then spit them out. It was not spitting me out and I did a lot more than two cycles.
Little did I know, above me two rafts had sailed right over me and tried to grab me with no success. My own raft had been trying to make it back to me by paddling against the current. They did not make it back until after I was out of the water. I started thinking, "Okay, I am about to pass out and that's it. This is the end." Just about that time I felt a rope brush my arm. It is a sheer act of God that I felt it. Remember, this current was violently jerking me around. And I knew it was a rope just from the feel of it across my arm, not even with my hand. Instantly the safety talk came back to me and I remebered to grab it over my shoulder and float on my back, which I did. I did not feel relief until I surfaced. The rope itself offered hope, but not relief for I thought that this, too, might be another failed attempt at getting out. A man from another rafting company pulled me into the boat and asked it I was ok. I think I said yes. I wanted to cry from fear and relief so badly, but there were so many rafts and kayaks gathered around and everyone was just looking at me...so I just smiled.
They began passing me from raft to raft to get me back to my own. There was so much adrenaline still coursing through me that I could not stand up. I kept falling and slipping as I made my way from raft to raft. Even now writing this, my fingers are tingling from adrenaline. In one of the rafts I was passed into, a guide apologized to me and told me he tried to grab me out as their raft went over me but he was unable. I remember saying, "My life is in God's hands and it can neither be taken nor saved without His permission. You owe me no apology." He gave me a strange look that I was too incoherent to decipher. When I made it back into my own raft and saw Eric the urge to cry was very intense, but I did not. My guide asked if I was ok and I said, "That was awesome!" And since I had survived it, it was pretty awesome. Eric told me he just knew I was going to die. I think he was traumatized just as much as I was.
In all of this Psalm 69 never entered my mind. But when we got back to the cabin that afternoon and I opened my Bible I began reading it again. Now THAT brought me to tears. The God that orchestrated this rescue for me has rescued me in a much greater way. My soul is far more important than my life. As I reflected back on my near drowning experience I could not help but see the similarities between it and the salvation of my soul. After being pulled out of the water on Ocoee people were telling me things like this all afternoon "You are our hero today" and "You have earned my respect". I knew what they were intending to say, but it still seemed odd. I'm your hero because I...didn't die? I could not save myself. Remember? Only when the guide threw me the rope was there any hope. Am I your hero because I grabbed a rope? Even though I grabbed it, the salvation was not in grabbing it but in being pulled in. For if he had not reeled me in, I would have simply drowned with a rope in my hand. I remember after I was saved someone told me "Good job!" and it struck me as being a very odd thing to say. Yes, there is responsibility on our part to "grab the rope", but that does not save us. If God never reeled us in, we would just die with a rope of good deeds and religiosity in our hand.
It also brought to mind particular redemption. If Christ died for all it is like He threw a rope into a pool of dead, not just drowning (see Ephesians 2:5 & Colossians 2:13), people and hoped we would grab on and save ourselves. That is absurd. But even grabbing the rope won't save you because you must be pulled in. What Christ actually did is more equivalent to Him coming to you individually as you are floating dead face down in the river and grabbing you by the life jacket into the boat. He then breathes life into you. THAT is the rescue He accomplished for us on the cross. It is not vague, it is clear and defined in intent and power. It is not generic, but specific to individuals. How would I have survived if the river guide had just thrown a rope in my general vicinity and left the rest up to me? Would I have survived if left to pull myself back to the boat? What if he had rescue in mind, but not for me in particular?
I am very thankful to be alive, but most of all for my soul to be secured in Christ. Thank You, Lord, for pulling me out of the waters!
Very deeply stained within sinking to rise no more.
But the Master of the sea heard my despairing cry,
From the waters lifted me, now safe am I.
Love lifted me! Love lifted me! When nothing else could help love lifted me!"
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