This post is very emotional for me to write, but after going through this experience and having so many come alongside me and help me grieve I felt I wanted to do the same. So this is my attempt to do just that- to comfort others. I know that loss and miscarriage can be a little taboo to talk about so openly, but I think that's why so many feel so alone while walking this road. And so, a little reluctantly, I will share.
Eric and I finally decided that we were ready for baby #3 and God blessed us with the knowledge that we had one on board on December 21st. I was, of course, extremely excited, but also a little bit nervous. With Elliot and Owen we always told the news right away. But this time since I was a little uneasy we played it close to the vest and only told our parents and siblings.
On January 9th I went for my 6 week ultrasound appointment. My fears were confirmed when Kerry told me that the baby had probably died very early on and that it looked like I would miscarry. I didn't expect to feel quite as emotional as I was, but I broke down right there and began crying and shaking. I have always seen my fertility as such a gift and have guarded it fiercly so this was quite a blow.
The next few days were very hard. It feels a little bit strange grieving over someone you've never met, but I did. Since we know life begins at conception, it was indeed a life. He had his own DNA already and if God had allowed him to, he would've continued to grow.
I had a feeling it was a boy, although I could be wrong about that. I wanted to give him a name. It made me so sad to think of him dying and not being viewed as "life enough" to name. So we named him Ephram David. Though God took him so early, He still did knit him together. (Psalm 139) His life was still purposed. And his life was still for the glory of God.
I'm not writing this so that everyone says, "Oh, poor you!" This week I have seen a friend go through a much harder loss of a child than mine. I recognize that my loss in comparison to those who've lost later in pregnancy or had multiple miscarriages is small, but it is a loss. I'm writing this so that everyone who has experienced or will experience the pain of miscarriage can be comforted by knowing you are not alone and to say that GOD IS GOOD!
I would not chose to go through this again, but it has given me a compassion I did not have before. Not that I was cold towards others, but it's hard to understand until you've truly walked in these shoes.
My friend Jaclyn gave me some of the sweetest words that I clung to: "The loss of life at any stage is worthy of heartache, grief, and sorrow." Because, honestly, sometimes you feel silly for grieving over such an early loss.
I have seen through this how gracious God truly is. His timing was so gracious. He prepared me first with an ultrasound and let me have a day to wrap my mind around it the best I could. He surrounded me with others who knew exactly what I was going through. I know that even if God chooses for us to never conceive again, He is good and we are blessed. We are so blessed to have two sweet and healthy little boys. Thank you to everyone who has prayed for us in this time. The prayers have been felt. Ultimately, Eric and I hope that God has been glorified by us sharing the story of our sweet boy.